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Hey Jane,
I've lived in many different states and have great friends in all of them, but seven years ago we moved to my husband's hometown (a good-sized Midwestern city that unfortunately isn't Chicago), and I just can't find my people. I did have two close friends here who recently moved. I work remotely and now remotely with two kids under six, which doesn't help, but I took classes, and joined a book club, etc., but some of it is just this city which is conservative and insular. I love my dude and my kids, but that's not enough to fulfill me. Friends are vital. How do I make friends?
Thanks in advance,
Friendless For Now
Dear Friendless,
I really appreciate you saying that your spouse and your kids aren’t enough to fulfill you. I think a lot of us moms have a really hard time admitting that, or at least it takes us foreverrr to say it out loud, so good for you, you’re ahead of the game in that you know what’s missing and what won’t do the trick. And I am right there with you! I am goddamned lonely these days and I’m sure as hell not going to put all of that on my kid or my partner. I think a lot of us are feeling lonely for pals right now. And yeah, classes and clubs are good, but I’ve never made a new BFF at a ceramics class. Folks I say hello to? Sure. Close friends? Not really. (YMMV.)
Seven years is a long time to feel this way, and while normally I’d say “hm, are you sure you’re actually trying?,” I do understand that being in a new place and then right away being pregnant and then being pregnant again (maniac!) and then raising two small kids and then a pandemic hits… I get how that could hinder anyone.
I think you should try Bumble BFF or a similar friend-finding app. It sounds like your town is probably big enough to have some users. The main thing we lose as we age — and as we’re locked in our homes — is muscle memory when it comes to meeting new people. Same goes for dating and I advise folks who’ve been out of that game to at least try a dating app to regain the ability to flirt, making it easier to do so face to face. This is just like that! Except better because you don’t have to ALSO want to bone the person. Nice, right? The main hurdle is getting started just as making new friends IRL can be intimidating.
Try to remember: you’re all there for exactly the same reason. You need pals and you’re not having an easy go of it without some help for various reasons: a recent move, being stuck at home taking care of kids or a loved one all day, you’re sober and your old friends aren’t. Whatever brought you all there, you’re going to meet each other and chat and even if you don’t become fast friends who can’t wait to get out of quarantine and hang at a cafe, by trying to chat up a stranger, you’ll be better prepared, when the opportunity presents itself organically, to turn a chance meeting into a real friendship. And don’t think too negatively about the pool of local friends; you live there and you’re rad, right? Be open to the idea that your people are close at hand.
Advice wanted:
I don't like buying clothes, or any of the clothes I own.
Here is my clothes buying process: I go to Nordstrom Rack or Loft, or the websites of those stores. I don't particularly like any of the clothes. None of them are exciting to me. But both stores have office-wear and woman-in-her-30s-wear, and clothing of decent quality. In person, I bring the maximum amount of clothes into the dressing room with me, and usually nothing I've brought in looks good. Usually the problem is that it's loose around the waist, if it's a shirt or dress, or flattens my butt, if it's pants. Maybe I will pick one thing to buy, because I am desperate for shirts to wear to work and it kinda looked okay, but not because I like it. Online, I open 40 tabs and pick four or five things to buy. Usually I end up returning all of them.
I've tried asking my friend who always looks cute, especially at work, where she buys clothes, and she said... Macy's. Macy's?! I've only ever seen old lady clothes there. What goggles is she wearing when she shops, so the cute stuff stands out to her?
I've heard I should go on Pinterest and look at fashion pins to get ideas of what outfits I want to create. But then where would I find those clothes? It sounds like so much work, and stressful and not fun.
I think the main problems are that I deeply do not enjoy shopping for clothes, and that nothing I pick seems to fit me or flatter me or excite me. I tried Stitchfix but the clothing was horrrrible quality, expensive for what it was, and deeply unflattering.
Lately some friends have given me bags of their old clothes they don't want anymore. I love this. It's not like... exciting or cute, particularly, but it's clothes that I own. I have so few clothes.
I'm 36 and an academic and mother. I'm 5'4" and a size 4-6. My figure is loosely hourglass. I'm including these details for the sake of context. It shouldn't be hard for me to find clothes that fit and look good on me because I am not a size that clothing manufacturers exclude. On the psychological side of things, my parents didn't really buy clothes for me growing up - in high school I think I never had more than three shirts at any one time. In my twenties, I was very broke and not clever or committed enough to figure out how to look cute on a budget. In my early thirties, I was in an abusive marriage where I wasn't "allowed" to buy clothes, despite the fact that I worked and should have been able to spend money on them. (During my pregnancy, I had one maternity dress. One. My friend who shops at Macy's lent me some of her stuff.) For the first time, I am in the position to be able to buy clothes. I have enough money, and no one is stopping me or telling me I don't deserve it. But I don't know how to do it.
Thanks!
Undressed
Dear Undressed,
OK, first, this is not your fault. Clothes are terrible right now, just terrible. I say this as someone who has the opposite problem you do in that I love shopping for clothes and have a very broad definition of what looks acceptable and these past few years have been abysmal. Throughout my adult life there have at least been one or two trends each season that I find attractive and wearable and when I’m not feeling super creative, I just lean into them (think long tops with leggings and boots or nautical stripes and boatneck sweaters or floral maxi dresses) but there has been NOTHING lately. I’m not doing norm core and I’m similarly Macy’s-blind.
Also, that psychological stuff totally matters and I commend you for figuring that out. My mom made my clothes growing up, or we wore hand-me-downs. It took me until I was in my 30s to spend any real money on clothing. I remember frequenting Rainbow for my office wardrobe.
One of the greatest shopping experiences I’ve ever had was using the free personal shopper service at TopShop, but that’s no longer a thing. What is a thing is Trunk Club, Nordstrom’s personal shopper subscription service. It’s way better than Stitchfix. It might sound expensive but you can set your price. I’ve had mixed results with them — they tend toward safe choices, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing and you can talk directly with the person assigned to your case. [Law & Order sound.]
A really good trick for online shopping without help, one that doesn’t require you poring over Pinterest or opening a billion tabs, is choosing a celebrity style to copy and then using an aggregate shopping site like Shopstyle or Google Shopping to find replicas of the stuff your chosen celeb wears at a price you can afford. Let’s try it!
I’m going to choose… hm… Selma Blair. She always looks cool and put together and I feel like we have similar vibes (although I don’t think I’d get along with Kris Kardashian quite as well). Also, she lives in my climate where it’s currently still HOT AS FUCK.
This I can wear. I put “shirt dress” into Shopstyle, then filtered by color and price and lo, this is $48:
Now, I could buy some Birkenstocks or I could just wear my white Native slip ons. And done! Let’s do another one?
I have black sandals, so that’s all set. Same with sunglasses and a simple necklace and bracelets. The bag is meh. Using the same method as above, it took me four minutes to find this and at $20 it’ll do since clearly we don’t have Selma Blair money:
The reviews for this jumper are really great and come with photos of real people wearing it.
Also, and I know this is tough in quarantine, but it sounds like you need to have a good tailor in mind when you’re trying on clothes. If the main problems (aside from hating shopping and everything looking like shit lately) have to do with fit, you can totally fix that. Some places do free alterations, but call around for a local tailor who won’t charge you an arm and a leg to take in a waist now and then.
And finally, check out this Twitter thread where we talk about all the brands making clothes that look fine:
Making friends as an adult is super hard. My entire friend group broke up many years ago and it was absolutely terrible. I thought I'd never have friends again. Then I joined my (new) local quilt guild. I made some acquaintances during the first two years. Another woman and I were pregnant during the third year and I knew from her blog that we were due close to one another and she didn't have any friends in the area, either. So after my kid was born three weeks early, I e-mailed her and literally said, "Do you want to be friends?" She said yes and 10 years later I'm pretty sure I would die without her. Once you have one friend, it's much easier to find others. I met several other very good friends through my son's preschool. The kids can't talk, but you can. Every mom, no matter where she lives, needs a good playdate (which is of course so much harder with all this nonsense going on). If my son liked another kid, I'd ask their mom to hang out on the playground after school or chat them up in the hallway. Getting involved in school activities -- joining the PTO, attending pancake breakfasts and all that crap really helps, too. Of course, I'm Midwestern and have no problem striking up conversations with strangers, so none of this advice may help you. Just know that you are totally not alone. We are all looking for friends that aren't our partners. And if you're in Kansas City, I'll be yours!
That jumper reminds me of the Lunya one I bought a few years ago and live in (at home) to my husband's horror (it has a bit of a droopy crotch). The Lunya one is $$$ BUT I have worn it so much that I can now see the ground through the crotch when I pee so I feel I got my $$$ worth. I guess what I'm saying is get a few of those $20 jobs.